"Fear is a state you ride easy through, not a country you live in."

This list took me two years to compile in my mental folder of "common sense". Some of these things I had no idea about...How many of your parents actually taught you these basics?

15 Basics in Manliness and Leading Others:

1.) Straighten your posture. It means you are alive and well.

2.) Speak from the stomach. Your voice is your identity.

3.) Maintain eye contact at all times. Your eyes tell almost everything in a glance. Break that beta-male habit of averting your eyes in awkward situations. Stare the tiger right in the eye.

4.) Awareness of surroundings. Know where you are at all times and where you are going. Know where the emergency exit is too.

5.) Give A or B choices. Simply to make people decide, or decide for them.

6.) Volunteer to drive. It's just courteous.

7.) Have cash handy and front small amounts. Don't make bill paying awkward, be generous. Especially when taking a lady out for the first time.

8.) Move slowly. This shows security in your environment. Rushing indicates nearby danger.

9.) Eliminate filler words. Do not say "like, um, ugh", just pause and think a moment.

10.) Don't be afraid to touch people appropriately. Innuendos aside, remember friendly touching is usually on the forearms, shoulder, and upper back. Intimate touching is from the neck to lower back, the waist, and hand. And also other spots if it's "inappropriate" as well (just ask nicely).

11.) Know when & how to enter a room. Enter a room and make it about the people, not yourself. Give them some attention and validation. It earns cool points fast.

12.) Know when & how to exit a room. If you are going to leave, stand up and continue on your way as you say something nice. Commit to leaving and not doing the "awkward hang in the doorway for 15 minutes" goodbye.

13.) Feature your insecurities. Showing they are a normal part of you instead of your insecurities "being you."

13.) Show, don't tell. Learn to do what people are asking or implying through actions and body language. No need to verbalize it unless somebody asks. This one is tough for a lot of guys.

14.) Be honest about your sexuality. Be the polar charge that you naturally are. Attraction can only happen with BOTH a positive and negative charge. That comes in time with self-honesty.

The last one I really had trouble accepting was...

15.) Don't take anything personal. Just play the RPG/Game of Life and be honest about your abilities and limitations. Level the fuck up. Win and lose gracefully. Don't be afraid to ask how you were defeated.

I had a good talk with the most unexpected new friend of mine, Stefan. He pointed out a few things after a long conversation (not discussion) about our path to manhood. Lately I've turned "becoming a man" into a chore. My friends will tell you, I tend to make everything all or nothing. I have a bad habit of making a big deal of too much. It stems from my natural impatience. I realized it wasn't fun because I was making it something NOT enjoyable.

I recently spent a Saturday night alone, and I have to admit it was very fucking difficult. For some reason it's just that feeling that you're supposed to be out, raging, making the most out of those hedonistic few hours. That's just textbook co-dependence. Of course, we all need friends right? But staying home I felt kind of lame. Until I asked myself, what would I like to do when nobody was around? I suddenly discovered that I actually had freedom. Scary thought ain't it?

In a typical risk-averse "be careful don't do that", Asian American male raised by a strong female fashion, I sat down and put on the movie "Swingers", worked on my diorama of the Great Wave of Kanagawa, eating cookies and tuna, with a bottle of Red Stripe. It was the shit just for those few hours. By the way, every guy who's ever had a hard time recovering after a long-term relationship, you NEED to watch "Swingers."Alone time is really important, but embracing it and making it FUN is the key.* It's like being a kid again. Snack time with arts and crafts. Fucking aye it was SWEET.

For the past two years, I have been beating myself up over a lot of stuff. I just forgot that people make mistakes, they break up, they change, and are always trying their best to figure it out too. I also forgot how to have fun. Seriously, I became fucking boring. The life and passion wasn't in me after I graduated college. I've been running from the demons. But I'm facing them one at a time. Feel the fear and do it anyway, it will always be there. I guess that's why Deathcab for Cutie said, "Fear is the heart of love." You won't know how love it feels until you just plunge in. Again.


* I'm high as monkey brains stew right now (like in Indiana Jones)