Friday, December 4, 2009

Find your Death Star...

When a man died the ancient Greeks would ask, "Did he have passion?"

What is passion?

We are hardwired to be careful. To not let your emotions take over and be a guide for our actions. To follow a safe path that will not make people uncomfortable.

Passion is the most valuable quality in a human being. It is something that inspires us to open our hearts and become something, to believe in something bigger. It allows me to turn my mistakes into great lessons. It makes me DO and BE, not think and see.

What makes me angry? When people are dishonest, especially when I lie to myself. When people lie about what they really want from life. What they want is to be passionate about something. Anything.

What makes me feel love? That's something I can't write in such few words.

They say that passion is anger and love combined in motion.

Give yourself permission to FEEL again. Timidity is agreement with the fear. Accept the calling that is your life. "Amor Fati", or love your fate...the fate that is your life.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

"Fear is a state you ride easy through, not a country you live in."

This list took me two years to compile in my mental folder of "common sense". Some of these things I had no idea about...How many of your parents actually taught you these basics?

15 Basics in Manliness and Leading Others
:

1.) Straighten your posture. It means you are alive and well.

2.) Speak from the stomach. Your voice is your identity.

3.) Maintain eye contact at all times. Your eyes tell almost everything in a glance. Break that beta-male habit of averting your eyes in awkward situations. Stare the tiger right in the eye.

4.) Awareness of surroundings. Know where you are at all times and where you are going. Know where the emergency exit is too.

5.) Give A or B choices. Simply to make people decide, or decide for them.

6.) Volunteer to drive. It's just courteous.

7.) Have cash handy and front small amounts. Don't make bill paying awkward, be generous. Especially when taking a lady out for the first time.

8.) Move slowly. This shows security in your environment. Rushing indicates nearby danger.

9.) Eliminate filler words. Do not say "like, um, ugh", just pause and think a moment.

10.) Don't be afraid to touch people appropriately. Innuendos aside, remember friendly touching is usually on the forearms, shoulder, and upper back. Intimate touching is from the neck to lower back, the waist, and hand. And also other spots if it's "inappropriate" as well (just ask nicely).

11.) Know when & how to enter a room. Enter a room and make it about the people, not yourself. Give them some attention and validation. It earns cool points fast.

12.) Know when & how to exit a room. If you are going to leave, stand up and continue on your way as you say something nice. Commit to leaving and not doing the "awkward hang in the doorway for 15 minutes" goodbye.

13.) Feature your insecurities. Showing they are a normal part of you instead of your insecurities "being you."

13.) Show, don't tell. Learn to do what people are asking or implying through actions and body language. No need to verbalize it unless somebody asks. This one is tough for a lot of guys.

14.) Be honest about your sexuality. Be the polar charge that you naturally are. Attraction can only happen with BOTH a positive and negative charge. That comes in time with self-honesty.

The last one I really had trouble accepting was...

15.) Don't take anything personal. Just play the RPG/Game of Life and be honest about your abilities and limitations. Level the fuck up. Win and lose gracefully. Don't be afraid to ask how you were defeated.

I had a good talk with the most unexpected new friend of mine, Stefan. He pointed out a few things after a long conversation (not discussion) about our path to manhood. Lately I've turned "becoming a man" into a chore. My friends will tell you, I tend to make everything all or nothing. I have a bad habit of making a big deal of too much. It stems from my natural impatience. I realized it wasn't fun because I was making it something NOT enjoyable.

I recently spent a Saturday night alone, and I have to admit it was very fucking difficult. For some reason it's just that feeling that you're supposed to be out, raging, making the most out of those hedonistic few hours. That's just textbook co-dependence. Of course, we all need friends right? But staying home I felt kind of lame. Until I asked myself, what would I like to do when nobody was around? I suddenly discovered that I actually had freedom. Scary thought ain't it?

In a typical risk-averse "be careful don't do that", Asian American male raised by a strong female fashion, I sat down and put on the movie "Swingers", worked on my diorama of the Great Wave of Kanagawa, eating cookies and tuna, with a bottle of Red Stripe. It was the shit just for those few hours. By the way, every guy who's ever had a hard time recovering after a long-term relationship, you NEED to watch "Swingers."Alone time is really important, but embracing it and making it FUN is the key.* It's like being a kid again. Snack time with arts and crafts. Fucking aye it was SWEET.

For the past two years, I have been beating myself up over a lot of stuff. I just forgot that people make mistakes, they break up, they change, and are always trying their best to figure it out too. I also forgot how to have fun. Seriously, I became fucking boring. The life and passion wasn't in me after I graduated college. I've been running from the demons. But I'm facing them one at a time. Feel the fear and do it anyway, it will always be there. I guess that's why Deathcab for Cutie said, "Fear is the heart of love." You won't know how love it feels until you just plunge in. Again.


* I'm high as monkey brains stew right now (like in Indiana Jones)

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Get Into the Groove

It's been a turbulent past 2 years. The hardest part is admitting that I have been trying too hard to become somebody I am not. Until today. I realized that I will never come across as macho, dominant, or other typical guy traits. What I have been seeking is MANHOOD. Masculinity, the state of mind. The confidence to honestly be who you are. And I've been trying on many different personality traits and seeing if that gave me the answers. It didn't.
Back to basics. I am essentially the same person I was two years ago, but more mature. I am handling responsibility a lot better now and accept that as a condition of manhood. I am a lover, not a fighter. The people in my life keep me around for my soft qualities. You could even call it motherly-nurturing energy. I took that up a notch and people probably thought I was a gay. Yes, you've probably thought it once or twice.
I thought women would tell me how to become a man. Afterall, they know a good man when they see one. It is woman's nature to respond to masculinity, but not to define it for us. That is probably the main reason boys, guys, or most adult males look to women to fill the gap of missing manhood. It's there, we all want it. Women want it badly too. But we don't know how to get it, or have any idea that it is actually hardwired into our heads to seek it.
So the past two years I've tried looking almost every avenue possible to find manhood. Except my own heart. Drugs, sex, and rock 'n' roll are not the answer for sure (but damn are they fun). And what I found when I looked outside of myself was pure frustration. If I've hurt, confused, or shocked anybody...it was nothing personal.
The key to manhood is to learn to give. Give your gift to people, whatever that may be. That's what it means when Yoda says, "feel the Force flowing through you." Only things happen because of you, but more importantly THROUGH you. He means that your skill in life is necessary for the Circle of Life. You are a missing puzzle piece in a complete world. Give of yourself and you will not have trouble waking up the next day. When you think you can take from the world to fill your void then you will suffer like I have. I looked to everybody and everything to be the answer to my purpose in life.
My purpose in life is to be a good man. Man, in the sense where I embrace my masculinity. A man in the sense where I am a great human being with compassion for all. A man that is also an individual and knows when to be selfish in order to recharge and be ready to give back to society.
The point is my journey as a man has finally started. I am ready to love and embrace the huge hippie that I have been all along. My gift to the world is my expression of laughter and inner-peace. My philosophy and patient nature is my avenue to teach others about the tools to discover happiness.
So here's what I've boiled it down to so far. A man is a Protector, Provider, and Procreator. How he fulfills these duties is his PHILOSOPHY.

Friday, September 25, 2009

You've Come A Long Way Baby

June 30, 2008
- 3 sets of pullups: 7, 8, 5
- 3 sets of pushups: 20, 10, 5
- 3 set of Hindu squats: 30, 30, 30
- 4 minutes of Tabata air squats (no weight)

I threw up after this workout.

September 2009
Max Bench Press: 185 lbs.
Max Deadlift: 300 lbs
Max Clean: 155 lbs.
Max pullup: 30
One-leg squats: 20 (80 lbs of weight)

Thank you Crossfit.

Monday, September 7, 2009

Conversations and Lady Gaga


Goethe wrote about this extensively: the difference between a discussion and a conversation. The former is based on intellectual topics and tends to lead to separateness. The latter tends to be something unified and the things said are always from the heart. So why is this important?

Most people are okay with surface talk. Perhaps it is the only reason I still have friends, but I rarely have discussions anymore. I used to in college back when I studied Philosophy. I thought I was the shit because I could inhale tons of complicated words and throw them out randomly to appear as if I had knowledge. How wrong I was. But that's typical college Philosopher behavior. But if you know me well at all, I dig deep. I ask you what has been ailing your soul and where you are headed in life. I ask about the burning questions I have in my own life because I am just as frightened as you are. I don't care about the minute details of your life. I care about your soul. And that is what a true friend knows: when to stop discussing and when to start conversing.

Ever notice how we reach the "tender" topics of life when it's dark? When I drive in a car at night with a passenger, the best conversations happen with me. That person has no reason to be shy. They have no judging eyes to answer to and for some reason, moving forward lets us think clearly. Life is motion. Walk and talk as often as you can because it will solidify any relationship you have. I guarantee it. It's like the reagent that makes liquid epoxy turn rock solid.

If a person doesn't have conversations then he/she is missing out on the most crucial phase of human evolution. Have you ever noticed you don't really know what you believe until you say it aloud? That's always rung true for me. Having conversations allows us to progress from having truths revealed to us from the wiser to discovering truths by one's own activities.

Having a conversation does not imply having an answer. Sometimes the answer to your question is to let go of it for a while. Let the deeper realms of your subconscious mind do the mental math (that's why sleep is important, more on that later). Feelings and the tension built up in your mind needs to be released. The only other place it can go is your body. And that's no good at all.

I'm not a religious person, but I am extremely spiritual. But I even hate admitting that out loud just because of the connotation "spiritual" has. When I hear "spiritual" I just cringe and think of white fluffy shit and high-horse people judging my mistakes and odd beliefs. I think of Yoga too. But conversations are the closest thing I have to spirituality. I tend to not just think, but feel the vast array of emotions people in my life are going through. I feel connected and belong when I know someone admits they are not okay. Because the second you admit you are not doing well is when things pick-up again. It is one of life's most fruitful paradoxes, so I suggest you get used to it.

Every moment in life is a test, whether we choose to acknowledge it or not. A discussion will help bring you to a logical answer to a logical question. But that is not life. The nature of the beast is always changing (which incidentally leads me to believe life is female). Conversations are about dealing with the changes. The life worth living is always felt, not thought. And so how you make other people is purely a reflection of your own circumstance in life. People who think like shit, feel like shit, will usually displace that glorious state of mind onto others.

Want to be a hero and save the world? Have a conversation. But end it when it starts to get weird. Like if say, Lady Gaga somehow becomes the metaphor for the non-duality of sexual energy.

Friday, March 27, 2009

It's been a while, I have a thing with falling out with people and blogs. But last night I got drunk and had some funky epiphanies about my direction in life. Function, Fight, Finish. Those are the three things I came up with. I start so many things and never finish. That's not manly at all. Fuck gender-neutrality, I have to do something that is manly. And that is to be determined to finish, no matter what it takes.

I love my mom for never cracking. She's so strong, I give her a fuckload of nonsense, excuses, and bullfuckery and she still loves me. I wish I could see her cry, but I know that will never happen. I'm glad it doesn't, or I would shut-down too. She's my pillar. That's why I know women are stronger.

I am a boy of many words. Men don't talk much. They show, not tell. From here on out, I will only discuss what I have done, not what I will do. Once you speak about it, the anxiety that builds from your dreams filling up inside just spill out. They die. Don't speak.

Sorry if I left you behind, but I never forgot about you. That means anyone I've met. Sometimes I'm scared you don't remember me, that's why I try so hard to break into your world. I am not desperate, just very willing.