Get Into the Groove

It's been a turbulent past 2 years. The hardest part is admitting that I have been trying too hard to become somebody I am not. Until today. I realized that I will never come across as macho, dominant, or other typical guy traits. What I have been seeking is MANHOOD. Masculinity, the state of mind. The confidence to honestly be who you are. And I've been trying on many different personality traits and seeing if that gave me the answers. It didn't.
Back to basics. I am essentially the same person I was two years ago, but more mature. I am handling responsibility a lot better now and accept that as a condition of manhood. I am a lover, not a fighter. The people in my life keep me around for my soft qualities. You could even call it motherly-nurturing energy. I took that up a notch and people probably thought I was a gay. Yes, you've probably thought it once or twice.
I thought women would tell me how to become a man. Afterall, they know a good man when they see one. It is woman's nature to respond to masculinity, but not to define it for us. That is probably the main reason boys, guys, or most adult males look to women to fill the gap of missing manhood. It's there, we all want it. Women want it badly too. But we don't know how to get it, or have any idea that it is actually hardwired into our heads to seek it.
So the past two years I've tried looking almost every avenue possible to find manhood. Except my own heart. Drugs, sex, and rock 'n' roll are not the answer for sure (but damn are they fun). And what I found when I looked outside of myself was pure frustration. If I've hurt, confused, or shocked anybody...it was nothing personal.
The key to manhood is to learn to give. Give your gift to people, whatever that may be. That's what it means when Yoda says, "feel the Force flowing through you." Only things happen because of you, but more importantly THROUGH you. He means that your skill in life is necessary for the Circle of Life. You are a missing puzzle piece in a complete world. Give of yourself and you will not have trouble waking up the next day. When you think you can take from the world to fill your void then you will suffer like I have. I looked to everybody and everything to be the answer to my purpose in life.
My purpose in life is to be a good man. Man, in the sense where I embrace my masculinity. A man in the sense where I am a great human being with compassion for all. A man that is also an individual and knows when to be selfish in order to recharge and be ready to give back to society.
The point is my journey as a man has finally started. I am ready to love and embrace the huge hippie that I have been all along. My gift to the world is my expression of laughter and inner-peace. My philosophy and patient nature is my avenue to teach others about the tools to discover happiness.
So here's what I've boiled it down to so far. A man is a Protector, Provider, and Procreator. How he fulfills these duties is his PHILOSOPHY.

You've Come A Long Way Baby

June 30, 2008
- 3 sets of pullups: 7, 8, 5
- 3 sets of pushups: 20, 10, 5
- 3 set of Hindu squats: 30, 30, 30
- 4 minutes of Tabata air squats (no weight)

I threw up after this workout.

September 2009
Max Bench Press: 185 lbs.
Max Deadlift: 300 lbs
Max Clean: 155 lbs.
Max pullup: 30
One-leg squats: 20 (80 lbs of weight)

Thank you Crossfit.

Conversations and Lady Gaga

Goethe wrote about this extensively: the difference between a discussion and a conversation. The former is based on intellectual topics and tends to lead to separateness. The latter tends to be something unified and the things said are always from the heart. So why is this important?

Most people are okay with surface talk. Perhaps it is the only reason I still have friends, but I rarely have discussions anymore. I used to in college back when I studied Philosophy. I thought I was the shit because I could inhale tons of complicated words and throw them out randomly to appear as if I had knowledge. How wrong I was. But that's typical college Philosopher behavior. But if you know me well at all, I dig deep. I ask you what has been ailing your soul and where you are headed in life. I ask about the burning questions I have in my own life because I am just as frightened as you are. I don't care about the minute details of your life. I care about your soul. And that is what a true friend knows: when to stop discussing and when to start conversing.

Ever notice how we reach the "tender" topics of life when it's dark? When I drive in a car at night with a passenger, the best conversations happen with me. That person has no reason to be shy. They have no judging eyes to answer to and for some reason, moving forward lets us think clearly. Life is motion. Walk and talk as often as you can because it will solidify any relationship you have. I guarantee it. It's like the reagent that makes liquid epoxy turn rock solid.

If a person doesn't have conversations then he/she is missing out on the most crucial phase of human evolution. Have you ever noticed you don't really know what you believe until you say it aloud? That's always rung true for me. Having conversations allows us to progress from having truths revealed to us from the wiser to discovering truths by one's own activities.

Having a conversation does not imply having an answer. Sometimes the answer to your question is to let go of it for a while. Let the deeper realms of your subconscious mind do the mental math (that's why sleep is important, more on that later). Feelings and the tension built up in your mind needs to be released. The only other place it can go is your body. And that's no good at all.

I'm not a religious person, but I am extremely spiritual. But I even hate admitting that out loud just because of the connotation "spiritual" has. When I hear "spiritual" I just cringe and think of white fluffy shit and high-horse people judging my mistakes and odd beliefs. I think of Yoga too. But conversations are the closest thing I have to spirituality. I tend to not just think, but feel the vast array of emotions people in my life are going through. I feel connected and belong when I know someone admits they are not okay. Because the second you admit you are not doing well is when things pick-up again. It is one of life's most fruitful paradoxes, so I suggest you get used to it.

Every moment in life is a test, whether we choose to acknowledge it or not. A discussion will help bring you to a logical answer to a logical question. But that is not life. The nature of the beast is always changing (which incidentally leads me to believe life is female). Conversations are about dealing with the changes. The life worth living is always felt, not thought. And so how you make other people is purely a reflection of your own circumstance in life. People who think like shit, feel like shit, will usually displace that glorious state of mind onto others.

Want to be a hero and save the world? Have a conversation. But end it when it starts to get weird. Like if say, Lady Gaga somehow becomes the metaphor for the non-duality of sexual energy.